Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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