i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
