so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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