Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
