I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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