You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
