A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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