First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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