Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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