Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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