My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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