I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize