i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
im six kinds of drunk right now
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
