Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
and she was petting her beer can
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
In other news, I just burned my penis
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
