can we get nightvision for the apartment?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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