Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
