My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
