tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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