maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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