you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I pour the whiskey from now on
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
