Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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