My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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