I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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