No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
