This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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