i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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