i just made my gag reflex go away.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize