Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Randomize
