Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I would fuck him just for his dog
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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