I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
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