you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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