Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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