is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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