Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize