Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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