So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
