it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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