What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
