I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
