Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
