Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize