So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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