He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
