her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
