So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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