There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
sick fucks of a feather flock together
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
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