I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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