so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
