Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
