I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
