You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
