If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
