Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
