I wish I could teleport
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize