I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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