capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
