I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
