If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
