I wish I only lived at night.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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