I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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