remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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