I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
