there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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