Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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