I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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