Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize