As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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