I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Randomize
