is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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