Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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