My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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