After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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