Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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